. Political Monster Season .


by Philip Wallace Jan 22, 2004

The 2004 election is upon us with the Democratic primaries already providing us with enough drama to last the rest of the political season. Yeah, I know Iowa has a caucus instead of a primary, but how about Howard Dean’s meltdown? That was a monstrous performance featuring the yell that will go down in history. Watching that fiasco unfold I began to wonder what it would be like if some of our most famous movie monsters ran for the presidency and then won? What if Dracula was in the White House or how about Freddy running the country? Here is a look at how ten of our favorite monsters would handle the run for the Presidency and perhaps winning it.

1. Dracula: Dracula would be suave and just imagine how effective he would be at debating. One look from his hypnotic eyes and the challenger would quit. Renfield could be his campaign manager. He’d be just like James Carville, except for the eating rats and bugs part. Of course there’s no evidence to show that Carville doesn’t snack on such delicacies. Once Dracula gains office his first actions will be to stabilize the country’s blood supply with a mandatory donation law and then he’ll remove all of the mirrors in the White House. If the US blood supply runs low, he can always invade Canada under the mistaken assumption that their blood is cold and frothy as a milkshake.

2. Frankenstein’s monster: Technically he’s Frankenstein’s monster, but we all know and love him as Frankie. He’s not the brightest boy, but with the right handlers behind him he could go all the way. He is sort of stiff with a rather befuddled personality. He could be Gore or Bush, but since he is a monster it’s probably gore. He does tend to lash out blindly when threatened so the liberals would see him as Bush. He’s the 2000 election all wrapped up in one all-purpose grave robbed person.

3. Wolfman: When he’s the Wolfman, he can be a Kennedy with the ladies. When he’s not he can be a Carter. There would be runaway inflation and indecisive foreign policy, but once a month the White House parties would be exciting. The Presidential barber would sure make out well. Just don’t confuse the Wolfman with the 1st Pet.

4. Mummy: His wife always tells him that he’s too wrapped up in politics. But the enigmatic eerie one could win it all with his support of the domestic textile industry. He does take much criticism for his temper with the standard “we wouldn’t want him a finger away from the button” fears, but there have been angrier Presidents. Take Dick Nixon, for example. If elected the Mummy could probably settle the Middle East crisis once and for all.

5. Invisible Man: Okay, he’s not all that monstrous. He’s probably better suited to the Vice-Presidency. If he ran, he might be unstoppable with his ability to infiltrate the opposition. It would be the all time mudslinging campaign. As President he could squash terrorism single handedly.

6. Leatherface: Now we move on to the slasher party of candidates. Leatherface is a good old boy from Texas where everything is bigger, including the bloodshed. Instead of swearing on a Bible at his inauguration, he could swear on a chainsaw. It was a shame when he cut off the Chief Justice’s head. The White House would give him plenty of room for his relatives and provide lots of storage space for bones. We could save lots of money on White House security with Leatherface on the job. They could just leave the doors wide open. White House tours would definitely be more interesting. Leatherface could also be the 1st Lady.

7. Michael Myers AKA the Shape: Other candidates will be amazed at Myer’s demoniacal determination and his incredible grasp of feminine empowerment issues. The general public will like his short campaign speeches. The Secret Service could be laid off since nobody would ever be able to assassinate the Shape.

8. Freddy: They call him a dreamer. When he was a child he said he would one day grow up to be President. Everybody told him, “In your dreams”. So this is what happened. One night America went to sleep and Freddy was elected. The Sandman was no competition for Freddy’s razor sharp wit and zany hijinks. He brings a more casual feel to the White House. He also has the furnace removed from the White House basement.

9. Jason: His campaign team advised him to lose the hockey mask. So he got rid of them just like Kerry did in Iowa this year. Jason’s not a very photogenic fellow so he has to run an issues base campaign. As long as his dear mother keeps control the road to victory will be paved with his opponents. Oddly, Jason managed to pick up an endorsement from the youth camps of America. The White House would provide him with many places to lurk.

10. The Creature From The Black Lagoon: Another monster politician who has a thing for the ladies. He can’t keep his fins off of them. But seriously folks, the Creature is more human than fish. He runs on an environmental platform, which usually will garner the liberal vote, but even they balk at his making all of the Midwest into wetlands. Some are perplexed about his No Fish Left Behind program, but with the popularity of such films as “Free Willie” and “Finding Nemo” the Creature should win in a tidal wave. The outpouring of support will just be amazing. The White House swimming pool will be back in business.

As you watch the 2004 political season keep in mind how much scarier or funnier it could be depending on who’s running and who’s nominated. From my view, we’d be safer off leaving it to the monsters that are less frightening then the actual politicians.





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