Colonel Kill Motherfuckers
by Shrub 1/28/08
Colonel Kill Motherfuckers is my first foray into the world of Hack Movies and with a title like that, I popped it in expecting something a couple of notches below your typical Troma flick. As it turned out, that assessment was pretty accurate, but it’s not like that’s a bad thing. Colonel Kill really shows what you can do with no budget as long as you take it seriously. Well, maybe seriously isn’t the right word, but you get my drift.
The show starts out with a typical horror movie road trip, only with extra profanity. Idiot friends cussin’ and trying to trick each other into drinking from a “lemonade” bottle. When the piss bottle gets tossed, only to clock a hiking Colonel Kill in the head (who is fresh off his dishonorable discharge), the beast is unleashed. This carload had victims written all over them from the start. The Colonel makes quick work and goes home to momma, and this is when things really start to turn ugly, literally.
A satanic cross between Divine and Captain Spaulding, the fright wigged Momma Scabtree is the disgusting force driving the murderous colonel (ain’t it always momma?). But it’s still early in the flick and before too much of the dark side is revealed, we’re introduced to our heroes. A loser crew of misfits getting together for their usual round of role playing games, mixed with crass talk of ninja trolls, anime, sex, and lots and lots of Buffy. Well, one of the geeky gals is getting restless and is ready to get out and mix it up a bit. This results in a trip to the liquor store where they run afoul of Colonel Kill.
Without giving too much away, the rest of the flick follows as Colonel Kill hunts down these morons and rips off their faces (“I don’t want to role play with people without faces!”) and chomps into their “brain pieces.” Oh and in case you were wondering, the most effective weapons against Colonel Kill turn out to be Febreeze and a giant Tootsie Pop, you know, stuff any ninja troll should have in his arsenal.
More goofy than gory, Colonel Kill Motherfuckers manages to both disgust and entertain. The production is cheap and the dialog is WAY over the top, but as you warm up to the characters you stop caring and start laughing. It’s fun, it’s funny, and it never gets old, which for a bunch of “hacks” has to be considered a real success.